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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24330361">The Other Side</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashlan_Zeal/pseuds/Ashlan_Zeal'>Ashlan_Zeal</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>World Between Worlds Multiverse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adult Ezra Bridger, Alternate Timeline, Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon Divergence, Darkest Timeline, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Sex, Ex-Inquisitor Kanan Jarrus, Force Bond, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Healing, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MOAR ANGST, Multiverse, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, World Between Worlds, as best as it gets in this timeline, bad things happened to Ezra Bridger, it's complicated - Freeform, mentions of torture, past-Kanera</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:08:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,436</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24330361</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashlan_Zeal/pseuds/Ashlan_Zeal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>(Takes place just after Chapter 11 of <b>The Lost Way</b>)</i> </p><p>Order has been restored through The Mirrors of the World Between Worlds... but at what cost? The Ezra from another timeline is thrown back to his own world to face this reality. Here, Lothal is lost, the Inquisitors are hunting him, and the Ghost crew is gone... all except for Kanan, who seems to be carefully keeping his distance.</p><p>Will he ever live up to the other Ezra's accomplishments? No, he doesn't believe so. They are surely happy to have their Ezra back instead. But now... What does this mean for him? For this world? For his very heart and soul?</p><p> </p><p>  <i></i></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>    <i>I'll walk this long road<br/>Till I find my way home<br/>To somewhere familiar<br/>To lay down my bones<br/>The trouble is, nothing looks the same<br/>The trouble is, I don't think it ever will</i><br/>  </p>
</div>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ezra Bridger &amp; Kanan Jarrus, Ezra Bridger/Kanan Jarrus, Kanan Jarrus &amp; Ahsoka Tano</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>World Between Worlds Multiverse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756513</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <b></b>
</p><div class="center">
  <p>Spoiler Warning: This is a continuation of <b><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/15618783">Chapter 11 of The Lost Way</a></b></p>
</div>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <i></i>
</p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>    <i>I'll walk this long road<br/>Till I find my way home<br/>To somewhere familiar<br/>To lay down my bones<br/>The trouble is, nothing looks the same<br/>The trouble is, I don't think it ever will</i><br/>  </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darkness and stars surrounded them. They were in some place beyond time and space.</p><p> </p><p>Ezra and Kanan were standing in front of the Mirror that would return Ezra home, to the reality he belonged to.</p><p> </p><p>They had already said what they had to say and gave each other one last look in pained silence.</p><p> </p><p>Ezra closed his eyes and slowly reached forward to the rippling image of the Mirror. The closer it came, the surface glowed and swirled like a vortex. When his fingers finally touched it…</p><p> </p><p>There was a flash and everything was inundated with light.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan gasped and was thrown back, falling into the hard stone floor. He immediately realized he was back at the cave inside the Jedi Temple in Lothal. A secret cave they had discovered. He blinked noticing Ezra’s body slumped on the floor in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>“Ezra!” He called out in worry. He had expected him to be gone from this reality. Had they been wrong?</p><p> </p><p>Ezra groaned. “Ugh... what?... where?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ezra, are you ok?” Kanan asked, helping him sit up, making sure he wasn’t hurt.</p><p> </p><p>Ezra looked up at him and stared at him confused. “...Kanan??” Ezra frowned, like he could barely recognize him. Kanan felt a shiver down his spine. “You... shaved? Where are we? Ouch...” Ezra looked at his chest, realizing he had a gash and some blood on him. Something had seemingly clawed at him? “What's going on??” Ezra asked in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>But Kanan didn’t immediately answer. He stared at Ezra with pain in his eyes. He realized now. It wasn’t him… It wasn’t the Ezra he knew. That one had returned to his own world… his own reality. The original one had changed back.</p><p> </p><p>Somehow, this Ezra seemed to realize this too. He had already gone through the same before as well… waking up surrounded by a family he had never known.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh no. It's happening again. I’m somewhere else, am I?” His face was full of desperation, but suddenly the cave where they were started to shake. “Now what!?” He asked in frustration.</p><p> </p><p>“We have to leave,” Kanan said glancing around them with a worried frown.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s going on?” </p><p> </p><p>“Run. The temple will close,” Kanan helped him up and pulled him along as he rushed through the exit tunnel… he could feel the temple moving. They saw the light at the end of the rock tunnel and practically had to leap before the cave entrance disappeared into the ground with the rest of the temple.</p><p> </p><p>They both looked back just in time to see as the Jedi Temple buried itself and returned to look like an unsuspicious rock formation. </p><p> </p><p>“What…” Ezra stared aghast at the temple but said nothing else for a moment trying to process what was going on. He gulped and looked around him in disbelief holding his breath. “This... is Lothal.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” Kanan sighed and sat up slowly.</p><p> </p><p>“But… is this *MY* Lothal?” Ezra looked down at himself and then at Kanan. “You are here. I shouldn’t know you here. Is this a different world? A different life?”</p><p> </p><p>Kanan looked at him with a sad smile. “Were you living on your own in the Tower outside Capital City before you woke up somewhere else?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” his eyes became larger in anticipation. He had lived 12 years alone. He had been a young adult surviving on his own until not so long ago when he woke up in some cabin on a ship with people that fought the Empire...</p><p> </p><p>“Seems like you exchanged places back with that Ezra… He told me he had been living with the Ghost crew for several years now but suddenly woke up here…”</p><p> </p><p>“But… How-? Why did I come back now? I’ve been in that other world for months!”</p><p> </p><p>“Same here. But...He found the way...” Kanan limited to say, giving the hidden Temple a side glance.</p><p> </p><p>Ezra’s expression changed… from surprise to upset. “Oh. Of course. Yeah... of course he would. Fixing time and space across universes? Sure. That's what that Ezra does, right?” He bitterly muttered under his breath with a hint of sadness. “I bet- I bet they are so happy to have him back. Just when I was starting to-” he bit his lip and looked away with a frustrated frown.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan was taken back by that reaction. He hadn’t expected this...</p><p> </p><p>Ezra shook his head and sighed. “Just forget it. I could barely recognize you… I mean… I know you from that world but here you have no beard, short hair… uh... eyes.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” Kanan straightened and tried to ignore the feeling of sadness growing in his chest. This was not the same Ezra. He had to let go. “We have to leave... You can't stay in Lothal,” he explained helping him up.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“You are a wanted man now. In the time you were gone, the Empire learned you are a Force user. The Inquisitors are searching for us,” Kanan said in a low tone.</p><p> </p><p>“The Inquisitors? The Red Blades?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes. You know who they are? Did you face them over there?”</p><p> </p><p>“No. You... that other Kanan and the others told me about them,” Ezra said grimacing. “The reason I couldn't just leave them... they said it was dangerous. Don't tell me I have to worry about that here too…  aw kriff…” Ezra’s shoulders dropped. His life would never be the same… not even if he had returned.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan’s lips made a fine line. It wasn’t fair to him. This Ezra had not made the same choices but would have to deal with the consequences of their actions trying to help the Rebellion. “I'm sorry. I could drop you on Garel. You have a false ID from there but you can't join the Empire as a stormtrooper. They will also-”</p><p> </p><p>Ezra’s head turned to him and paled. “What-! I'm- I'm not joining!” He said defensively, a tone higher. “What makes you think-?”</p><p> </p><p>Kanan stared for a second. “The other Ezra said there were some flyers with information about how to join them in your tower. He thought you might have been thinking about it.”</p><p> </p><p>“I wasn’t, ok!??” I wasn’t!” He clenched his teeth, his whole body tensed.</p><p> </p><p>“Ezra…”</p><p> </p><p>“I just-... I was just checking my options! That’s all!” He said in earnest, but there was the shadow of shame and guilt behind those blue eyes. And pain… fear.</p><p> </p><p>“It's ok. I'm not judging you…” Kanan said calmly, trying to reassure him.</p><p> </p><p>Ezra crossed his arms over his chest. “... but that's why you are just dropping me off, right?” He muttered looking away from him.</p><p> </p><p>“No. Of course not. I thought you wouldn't want to join the war,” Kanan said.</p><p> </p><p>Ezra’s body relaxed a bit, the tell tale of a relieved smile in his lips. He rolled his eyes and shrugged. “I mean... it's not like I love the idea but…” he gulped and looked at him with hopeful eyes. “I want to go with you guys.”</p><p> </p><p>Kanan blinked. “... you guys?”</p><p> </p><p>Ezra nodded, and Kanan could feel a light growing in Ezra. He hadn’t noticed it until now… this Ezra was definitely way behind his openness and connection to the Force compared to the other one… even then, he felt this surge of… hope. “I promise I won't bother Sabine. I won't complain about Zeb snoring, I swear. I'll even give Chopper an oil bath. I'll do whatever Hera wants me to do,” he had turned and uncrossed his arms. “So… Please, will you take me with you all?”</p><p> </p><p>Kanan’s heart sank. Ezra must have seen the change in his expression because he hesitated saying anything else. </p><p> </p><p>Kanan gathered all the strength he had learned from the last weeks and braced himself to say the next words. “Ezra... They... they are gone.”</p><p> </p><p>“...What?” Ezra tensed.</p><p> </p><p>“Here... in this reality... they died. A few years ago,” Kanan struggled to keep his voice steady.</p><p> </p><p>Ezra stared at him, his shoulders dropping. “Oh.”</p><p> </p><p>They didn’t say anything for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“I… I see.It’s always like this-...” Ezra finally whispered to himself, gritting his teeth. His fists were clenched tightly. To lose happiness just when he thought he could have it.</p><p> </p><p>“Ezra-,” Kanan felt compelled to reach out to him, but Ezra shook his head. This was his normal. This was his life. He had gotten used to that pain.</p><p> </p><p>“It's just you then? There's no one else?” Ezra tried to sound like he was fine.</p><p> </p><p>“Well...Ahsoka is alive here. As far as I understand, she had died over there,” Kanan explained, trying not to push him.</p><p> </p><p>“Ahsoka? Ah, yes. A Togruta Jedi. Right? They showed me holos of her trying to make me remember… I just hadn’t met her, same as you I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes. She actually helped you a little when the other Ezra woke up here... She's still working in the Rebellion. From what he told me, things are more difficult here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I can tell…” Ezra looked at the dark skies in the horizon, furrowing his brow.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan could feel turmoil and indecision. “You don't have to join, if you don't want to. That's why I was giving you the option of Garel. We were laying low for a while... not exactly fighting in the open,” Kanan told him again.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, as I said- I'm in no rush to join... But in any case... can I... stay with you?” Ezra looked at him sheepishly trying not to seem too desperate not to be left behind. </p><p> </p><p>Kanan was taken back, his face was filled with conflict. He did not expect this Ezra to stay with him… it wasn’t the best idea… </p><p> </p><p>Noticing Kanan’s hesitation Ezra grimaced fearfully. “I promise I won't be a burden,” he hurried to add.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan felt his heart breaking. “You will NEVER be a burden,” he assured him. “If that's what you want…” he sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” Ezra nodded with relief in his voice. It was so strange for Kanan to hear Ezra fluctuate from a stranger to… to the person he had known so far. It would be complicated for him, but this Ezra didn’t deserve to be left alone to his luck just because of Kanan’s issues. </p><p> </p><p>“We should go then,” Kanan said and motioned him to where they had left the bikes. </p><p> </p><p>They returned to The Escape and left Lothal. Ezra looked with sadness how the planet had been stripped from most of its resources. He had known things were bad while living in the planet but he hadn’t seen it for real… he had never left to orbit in this life until he pretty much exchanged minds and woke up in another dimension with a new family that claimed they had been with him all along. And now even they were gone…</p><p> </p><p>Ezra looked at Kanan. Things must have been bad for him here too… </p><p> </p><p>They linked to the Ghost and entered the ship in silence. Ezra looked around and felt his heart hurt.</p><p> </p><p>“It's so... empty. So quiet,” he whispered but it even then, it sounded so loud. His voice echoed into the common area.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,“ Kanan nodded slowly.</p><p> </p><p>“I'm sorry,” Ezra said looking at him. Ezra had just started to feel he was growing closer to them over there, but he assumed Kanan would be hurting more than him. Kanan gave him a small sad smile.</p><p> </p><p>They went to the cockpit and Ezra sat in the copilot looking at the stars for a moment. “Where are we going then?”</p><p> </p><p>“We had been helping people just outside the Outer Rim…”</p><p> </p><p>“Wild Space?” Ezra raised an eyebrow with interest. He had heard the stories of the lawlessness of Wild Space with very little Imperial presence. It sounded like a dream to him. Away from everything. Away from the Empire. Away from pain… just himself and his wits. But.. maybe he could help some people too?</p><p> </p><p>“We visited a few planets, yes,” Kanan offered a warm smile and Ezra, for some reason, felt the need to return that smile. </p><p> </p><p>He looked away, clearing his throat. “I’d like that.” </p><p> </p><p>Kanan chuckled… but even then Ezra could tell there was an underlying sadness below his calmness.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan was starting to input some of the coordinates but then stopped remembering something.</p><p> </p><p>“I think we might need to tell Ahsoka first… let her know about what happened with you and... him,” Kanan said.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, can you handle that?” Ezra said scratching the back of his head nervously . “I wouldn’t know what to say to her. *I* don’t really know her… I think it would be awkward.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure. I can handle it,” Kanan nodded and Ezra smirked and got up, leaving the cockpit. </p><p> </p><p>Kanan waited until he was sure Ezra was out of range and took a deep breath. Him and Ahsoka weren’t that close here. They definitely had their differences because of what Kanan had become. When he lost the crew, they broke him. He fell and they made him an Inquisitor… The other Ezra had saved him, brought him back into the light, but then then, Ahsoka wasn’t so sure of trusting him like Ezra had done… but that didn’t matter anymore.</p><p> </p><p>He opened the encrypted channel and she appeared as a holoprojection in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>“Ahsoka,” he greeted her with a serious face.</p><p><br/>
She immediately looked around with a frown in her face. “Where’s Ezra?” she asked suspiciously.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s back home. Back to the life where he belongs,” Kanan said and Ahsoka’s eyes grew large in understanding. The way he was saying it also carried an air of finality about it. “They are both back to their respective lives.”</p><p> </p><p>“Both… you mean...?”</p><p> </p><p>“The Ezra that lived here returned too. They exchanged minds it seems… Souls… experiences.” </p><p> </p><p>She bit her lip slightly. She couldn’t deny she would have liked to say goodbye to the other Ezra, but he also noticed something else in Kanan’s expression.</p><p> </p><p>“What happened to you?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. Even here, she could sense a shift in the Force around him.</p><p> </p><p>“I had to learn to let go,” he smiled sadly. Ahsoka nodded slowly, feeling the pain and the acceptance. She had been worried about that before. Attachments could be dangerous and he certainly had his own share of issues to deal with… but he had gone past them… at least with Ezra.</p><p> </p><p>“I understand. I’m sorry,” she said with all honesty now. She looked at the cockpit door. “Does he know about you two?”</p><p> </p><p>“No. I don’t think he’s ready for me to tell him something like that so suddenly,” Kanan shook his head.</p><p> </p><p>“If you want, he could go with Sato… the Rebellion.” She knew having this Ezra around wouldn’t be easy for him.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I told him that… but he wanted to stay,” Kanan sighed. “I’ll try to convince him to go with the Rebellion. He might be better off with you there after all. You will be able to protect him better than me.”</p><p> </p><p>Ahsoka’s body stilled and her lips pursed together slightly. “Kanan. I’m sorry… but I can’t. I’m staying clear of the Rebel cell. It’s not safe for him to be with me anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean? Why...?” Kanan blinked confused. If anyone was capable of defending Ezra and keeping him safe, it would be Ahsoka... but something in the tension in her eyes told him there was some big factor at hand. “You are being hunted…”</p><p> </p><p>She remained quiet and looked at the floor.</p><p> </p><p>“Who is it? What inquisitor?” Kanan could give her some pointers on the Inquisitors he had met before…</p><p> </p><p>“Vader.” </p><p> </p><p>Kanan’s eyes grew in horror, a shiver ran down his spine at the sole mention of that name. He had learned to fear it.</p><p> </p><p>“Ezra can’t go with you,” he said.</p><p> </p><p>“Exactly,”  she agreed, glad that he understood the problem she had. If there was even the smallest chance of facing Vader… there was no option but to run… and even then, Kanan suspected they wouldn’t be able to make it.</p><p> </p><p>He frowned trying to think of his options. “He doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He wanted to stick along.”</p><p> </p><p>“He will need to stay with you then... Can you do that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes… I’ll prepare him to defend himself. Once he’s done… I’ll tell him to go to Sato. As I said, he isn’t as keen on joining this time. He would like to help but not like the other Ezra was doing… not yet at least.” </p><p> </p><p>Ahsoka nodded but there was still an issue at hand. “Even if you don’t tell him about what you were… he will eventually find out.”</p><p> </p><p>“Likely. Yes.  Don’t worry about it. I’m not going to do anything about us. He didn’t choose-…me. I’ll keep my distance. He needs help and I will give him that,” he promised her.</p><p> </p><p>“If he asks about it, what will you tell him? What will you do?”</p><p> </p><p>“If he does, I’ll tell him the truth. I’ll keep him safe for as long as I can. Prepare him in case he wants to leave on his own,” he explained.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Ahsoka gave him a warm understanding smile seeing just how far he had gotten as a person. It was completely different to that first time they actually talked. She could understand why they might have been friends in that other life. “You have changed.”</p><p> </p><p>“We all had to.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Kanan left the cockpit and saw the door to what used to be Zeb’s cabin open. Ezra was there checking the place. The other Ezra had told him he used to sleep there, so it was logical they had kept him there too.</p><p> </p><p>“I have… bad news,” Kanan cleared his throat.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh?” Ezra looked back at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Ahsoka told me the Inquisitors are on her heels. More specifically, Vader…”</p><p> </p><p>Ezra straightened. “They mentioned him over there. They were all pretty scared of that one.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes. With reason.”</p><p> </p><p>“So… if he find us…?”</p><p> </p><p>“We are done for. We can’t fight him. I’m not strong enough to face him. Maybe only Ahsoka is… Our only option would be to run,” Kanan explained trying to make it as clear as possible. It was just the facts.</p><p> </p><p>“What about the other Inquisitors?” Ezra asked with worry.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan shook his head. “If the normal Inquisitors find us… we might have a chance. But you need to train. I will need to be able to defend yourself if we find them.”</p><p> </p><p>Ezra grimaced slightly. “Ugh, don’t tell me you are going to try to teach me again.”</p><p> </p><p>Kanan stopped and turned slightly at him. “Why?”</p><p> </p><p>Ezra snorted. “Well, the other you really took all that Master and Apprentice very seriously… it was a bit unnerving to be honest. Just… just give me a break, will you? I’m not-...” Ezra hesitated, crossing his arms defensively. <em> “I’m not him.” </em></p><p> </p><p>The words felt like a lightsaber to Kanan’s chest, but he kept a straight face as best he could.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m not him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Life had a way to repeat itself in painful ways.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, we will-...” Kanan trailed off and tried to find his voice again… find his center. Focus, he reprimanded his heart. “We will work at your pace.” </p><p> </p><p>Ezra nodded, a bit relieved but… he noticed this Kanan averted his eyes from him and didn’t push the issue. That was… unexpected. The other Kanan had been trying so hard to make him train, to use the Force, to try to “connect” with him and was frankly smothering. Ezra had been extremely defensive and kept his distance at first… but lately he had started to think maybe it wasn’t so bad… but of course, just like it always happened, life slapped him for thinking he could have some happiness.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They are not for you. You are meant to be alone. You know that. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ezra heard the familiar dark whisper in the back of his mind. The voice was right… no matter what he did, no matter how much he wanted… this was his reality and it would always be. He would never compare to that capable and powerful version of himself, that other Ezra… the one everyone loved and wanted back. Of course… Why would anyone care about him?</p><p> </p><p>He looked up at Kanan who seemed to be… trying to keep his distance as well. Maybe he was disappointed too that he had to make due with someone so useless like him. Maybe that’s why he wasn’t pressing the issue of training because he realize he would never be as good as-</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s start with this,” Kanan interrupted his train of thought, pointing at the lightsaber at his belt and motioning him to the cargo area. “I want to see how you handle himself in a fight.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Ezra looked down at his lightsaber. The other Ezra had crafted this one too. It was a classic design. He followed Kanan to the cargo area and turned his lightsaber on. “Blue… they told me about his older lightsaber that had an integrated blaster. That sounded cool. I guess he got the same crystal thing?” He asked but Kanan wasn’t entirely sure so he just shrugged. Ezra smiled looking at the blue light. “This is what I liked the most. Training with the lightsaber. Kanan used to tell me to open to the Force more instead of sparring, I guess he thought it would fix things? But THIS…” he waved it around feeling the energy flow through him. “A weapon it’s a practical thing that helps. If I could use the Force like that...” he trailed off but winced remembering the other Kanan would disapprove when he said stuff like that back there. Would this one give him some kind of sermon here? He glanced at him but Kanan simply tilted his head lightly, his bright teal eyes were pensive.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“I get what you are saying, but The Force is not a weapon,” Kanan said calmly without judging him. He had just learned and accepted it as such himself after all. “It *does* help to reach out into the Force.”</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm… well, maybe,” Ezra shrugged, although he was holding back a smile. “But having a heart to heart with the Inquisitors isn’t going to save us, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll give you that,” Kanan conceded and prepared himself to spar with him. Ezra was... relieved. This Kanan wasn’t pushing him. Even if he was trying to help him… it felt different from the dynamic the other had. He was keeping his distance, respecting his wishes. Not patronizing him. </p><p> </p><p>As Ezra tried the lightsaber around, Kanan gestured to Ezra to make the first move in the fight.</p><p> </p><p>They sparred for about half an hour until Kanan called for a break. </p><p> </p><p>“I can still fight,” Ezra assured him. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I can tell but I just wanted to get an idea of your level at the moment...” he explained. Kanan noticed how Ezra was clearly holding back from opening himself fully to the Force. Unwilling. He was defensive… afraid to become vulnerable, to drop his defenses and reach out. It was just like himself when he left the Inquisitors… </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Ok… so now what…?” Ezra smiled feeling energized.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s try this…” Kanan went to his room and brought out the Holocron. “I know you said you weren’t using the Force, but I just need to know how much…”</p><p> </p><p>Ezra’s eyes became larger checking the Holocron. “Whoa. I saw this back there. It was in pieces… How do I open it?”</p><p> </p><p>“You have to concentrate, clear your mind...”  Kanan explained handing him the Holocron.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine, I think I can do that,” he jokingly rolled his eyes and grabbed it. “I was starting to improve with moving things with my mind.”</p><p> </p><p>Kanan smiled. “Close your eyes...”</p><p> </p><p>Ezra did so. “I know. And ‘<em> breathe </em>’. You said the same over there,” Ezra chuckled, opening one eye and smirking at him. “I mean… you certainly seem a little different but...” he said trailing off, closing his eyes again, without noticing the wince in Kanan’s face. It had been less than a day since he himself had managed to open the Holocron with Ezra’s help… holding it together. But now...</p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath. “Reach out to the Holocron,” Kanan said evenly. “Even if your connection to the Force isn’t as developed…”</p><p> </p><p>“It feels… colder,” Ezra furrowed his eyebrows, still with his eyes closed.</p><p> </p><p>“I suppose the darkside is more prevalent here than it was over there.”</p><p> </p><p>“No. I mean… they are not here. The crew. I used to-... feel them when I did this meditating. Sabine, Zeb, Hera… they were warm and-... They are not here either...” Ezra said. Why did it hurt so much? They hadn’t been that close. They barely tolerated him. But even then… it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. They had asked him to stay with them after all...no one had ever...</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> No, they wanted HIM back. They wanted you to become HIM. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Kanan frowned. He felt a familiar dark chill surging from Ezra’s heart. “Careful. You are letting yourself vulnerable to the darkside,” he warned Ezra. </p><p> </p><p>Ezra stopped, opening his eyes and feeling defeated.</p><p> </p><p>“They told me he did it on his first try. I'm not as good as him. I'll never be-”</p><p> </p><p>“No. It’s just different. He lived things differently and had more training earlier,” Kanan encouraged him. “As far as I know, I'm not as good as that Kanan was either... there's still a lot I need to improve but... I know I can get there. We can.”</p><p> </p><p>Ezra looked at him. This Kanan felt he wasn’t good enough? As far as he could tell it was at a very similar level. But… he decided to believe him. Maybe he actually wanted him to stay and help him…not simply because of the other Ezra. </p><p> </p><p>“I want that. I want… to be better,” Ezra confessed, slightly embarrassed. “Together?” He offered, looking at Kanan with hope and offered his hand to make a deal.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan took a moment to reply looking at the sudden brightness in Ezra’s eyes… he hesitated for a second but nodded, reaching out and shaking his hand. “Together.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>A few days passed, as they traveled from port to port in Wild Space. Ezra found the experience liberating. He was not being babysat like the others were doing over there. They wouldn’t let him out of their sight. They didn’t understand he had lived on his own for almost all his life. He was an adult now, too. Why didn’t they understand that? He didn’t need to be looked after… and yet… there was a part of him that couldn’t deny he liked the company. </p><p> </p><p>But now it was just the two of them. The ship actually felt too big now without all the chatter and discussion and screaming of “get into that turret and shoot at those TIES”. Eh, he couldn’t deny it had been a bit fun… well ok, it was a lot of fun, but he also didn’t want to get killed or captured. He liked the milk runs the best. Getting supplies to people who needed them. </p><p> </p><p>Here, Kanan also liked doing some of those whenever they could. They stuck to offer protection to some traders on far off planets instead of facing the Empire head on. Ezra didn’t like the Empire, but… he was still too afraid of fighting them directly… and he was thankful this Kanan seemed to agree with him at least in that. The Rebellion wasn’t as strong here and with the Inquisitors searching for them and Ahsoka it was a huge risk to try to help without being fully trained or commited.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan continued to be supportive of what he wanted to do. Ezra couldn’t help but compare the two versions he had met. This one looked so much younger without the beard… and his eyes were bright teal. He wasn’t the ‘Teacher’ the other had been either… and that was fine with him. Ezra didn’t want a teacher right now… he wanted a comrade… and equal. </p><p> </p><p>He was starting to feel more and more at ease. The few weeks they had spent sparring and Force training didn’t seem like a chore or something he was MEANT TO DO… but something they could do together. Help each other improve. He liked that. </p><p> </p><p>And because he liked it… that dark whisper became more prevalent. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You are going to fuck it up. You know it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>No. Everything is fine. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It’s too good to be true. This is all a lie. He’s just being nice to you because he pities you…  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><b>No.</b> That actually made him defensive of Kanan. No, he just wants to help. This is not a lie. He’s...a good person. Like the other Kanan… but better. I like him better. </p><p> </p><p>That was the truth. When Kanan smiled at him, Ezra couldn’t help but smile back. He wasn’t trying to become his teacher like the other one. He just… he was helping. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It won’t last. You are fooling yourself. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Shut up. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He’ll leave you like everyone else. You’ll stay alone forever. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ezra scoffed, deciding to ignore those thoughts and instead put himself to clean things around his cabin to keep himself busy. He hadn’t actually changed things to his own liking. He had simply moved in and left things how the other Ezra had left them, but he felt the need to make it truly HIS. He was going through the bunk’s drawers and the footlocker when… he finally noticed he had no clean clothes left in there. He had already used and cleaned the same two undershirts he had found a few times and it suddenly made him wonder if there should be more around somewhere. </p><p> </p><p>“Huh…” </p><p> </p><p>He left the cabin scratching his head, just as Kanan was heading to the cockpit. They were supposed to drop out of the hyperspace soon.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, hey, Kanan, do you know if I had more clothes here? The footlocker just had this,” Ezra asked, showing him the other shirt. “Do you know if the other Ezra put the dirty laundry somewhere else? I haven’t seen anything else...”</p><p> </p><p>Kanan frowned trying to remember and then his whole body tensed. His eyes turned serious. “Ah...Yes. Hold… hold on a second,” he cleared his throat and turned back into his own cabin. Ezra blinked confused and just a moment later, Kanan came out carrying a bunch of folded clothes and a pair of boots.</p><p> </p><p>“Here,” Kanan nodded and handed them to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, thank you,” Ezra hurried to grab the stuff and turned with a smile, but just as the door of his cabin opened... something suddenly clicked in his mind. He stopped cold. He looked at the things in his arms and then, slowly turned to Kanan with confusion in his face. “Why... was this at your-..?”</p><p> </p><p>Kanan looked at him with clear turmoil in his face… pain.</p><p> </p><p>“Were you… sleeping in the same cabin?” He asked hesitantly.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Kanan nodded, holding his eyes. He had promised he would be honest. “Yes.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It’s too good to be true. This is all a lie. He’s just being nice to you because... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ezra felt his blood freezing. “Were you… together?” Ezra’s voice was almost a strained whisper.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan nodded. “Yes, but-” he said, his mouth went dry. “We didn’t go all the way and you don’t have to do anything,” he reassured him but he saw Ezra’s face pale so he stepped back to give him space. “If you feel uncomfortable, I can drop you wherever you want. You don’t have to stay here if you-” Kanan hurried to add, pointing at the cockpit.</p><p> </p><p>“I need… a moment…” Ezra said as he looked to the floor avoiding Kanan’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, yes of course,” Kanan nodded. </p><p> </p><p>Ezra hastily stepped back to his cabin and closed the door behind him.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan's heart sank. That was it. Ezra would surely want to leave now but his life would be at risk… even if he went to Sato and the Rebellion, Ezra wouldn’t be able to defend himself if he was faced by an Inquisitor. Kanan had hoped they still had a few more weeks to train with him before something like this came up. He would have to tell Ahsoka. Maybe she could try to look after him from afar? No. Vader would surely realize sooner than later and that wasn’t a risk worth taking. </p><p> </p><p>As of right now, Ezra’s best bet to stay alive without him would be to stay on some faraway planet in Wild Space. Kanan sighed and walked back to the cockpit, bringing up the local star charts, trying to check which planets could be an option for him…</p><p> </p><p>And that meant… he would likely never see Ezra again. </p><p> </p><p>Kanan felt his throat tightening but controlled that emotion. No. He couldn’t allow himself to feel like that. Even if he wasn’t the Ezra he had fallen in love with… He had only wanted him to be safe… and happy. He would respect his decision. He had already accepted the other one would have to leave.</p><p> </p><p>It had been almost two hours when Kanan was startled by the sound of the doors to the cockpit opening and Ezra entered sitting in silence at the co-pilot seat with a serious look on his face. He was looking straight ahead at the shifting blue of the hyperspace, his brow furrowed, his body tense. </p><p> </p><p>Kanan sighed and looked away. He was about to open the star chart to show him what planets he could drop him in when-</p><p> </p><p>“I… I can do it,” Ezra said, the tension on his neck increasing.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Kanan did a double take.</p><p> </p><p>“I can do it,” this time Ezra looked at him directly to his eyes. There was something dark in them, something that gave Kanan chills. </p><p> </p><p>Kanan blinked in disbelief, his jaw dropped. “Ezra…You don’t-” Was he actually referring to sleep together? “That’s not-...!”</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t that why you want to drop me off!? Because you think I’m scared and I won’t do it!?” Ezra bit out with anger.</p><p> </p><p>“What!? No!!”</p><p> </p><p>“Look, it’s not… it’s not like it’s my first time! I can do it!” Ezra assured him but his whole body was stiff.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan looked at him confused. Why was he-? </p><p> </p><p>“I... thought you hadn’t done it,” Kanan was trying to put his thoughts in order. He had not expected this at all.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, maybe HE hadn’t done it. But I have. I can handle it,” Ezra said defensively and gritted his teeth… but Kanan was still dumbfounded by his words… Ezra saw his hesitation and thought Kanan’s reaction meant he was disgusted by his past… and panic started to rise from his chest to his throat.</p><p> </p><p>“I just needed the money, ok!?” Ezra told him hoping that was enough explanation but those words made Kanan’s eyes grow in shock. Ezra stuttered, unable to take the words back.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> See? You have done it. You messed it up. Made it all worse. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ezra’s lower lip started to tremble… he had said too much. The loth cat was out of the bag. His serious face crumbled. His blue eyes welled up. </p><p> </p><p>“I just needed the-...” his strained voice attempted to repeat but his voice wavered and broke. He looked down, letting the tears flow, avoiding Kanan’s eyes. How could he ever face him after this? “Please,” he whispered begging. “I know I’m not him. I can’t even compare. I’m a failure. But I’ll do anything you say, I promise. Just, please, don’t push me away. I don’t want to be alone anymore,” he pleaded. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You are truly pathetic. The others surely felt this. He senses it too. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t connect with the Force, no matter how much you wanted to hide it, he can see clearly who you really are. Tainted. Corrupt. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ezra let out a sob of shame.</p><p> </p><p>“No. No,” Kanan kneeled in front of him, holding his shoulders to support him at arm’s lenght, trying to make him look at him. “Ezra, listen to me. You are not a failure. You are not alone. And you don’t have to do anything. Do you hear me? Do you understand?” He said desperately trying to get him out of the current state. He could feel Ezra sinking in a sea of darkness, surrounded by despair, drowning. A despair Kanan had become too familiar with when he had become an Inquisitor. It was like relieving those years of self-hate and torture. </p><p> </p><p>“But I’m not him!” Ezra pulled back. “I can’t even do the basic Force stuff! What good am I for? Why else would you want me around?? I’m just a burden! You will eventually push me away!” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Of course he would leave you like everyone else! You are no good! You can’t be a Jedi! Look at how weak you are! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I would never push you away. I’d never do that,” Kanan assured him.</p><p> </p><p>But Ezra could barely believe him.  </p><p> </p><p><em> He is lying! </em>The voice kept whispering.</p><p> </p><p>“Even if I won’t do it? Even if I won’t be your Padawan? Even if I can’t ever become a Jedi?” He asked him in anger and defiance. </p><p> </p><p>“Even if you fall,” Kanan said softly from the bottom of his heart.</p><p> </p><p>The words made Ezra’s eyes open in shock. Somehow, he could tell Kanan was speaking the truth. His whole body lost all strength and was only kept in place by Kanan’s hands as his head hung and he cried openly. For the first time since the loss of his parents... someone had fully accepted him, no matter what.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan wanted to hold him but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He would not do anything Ezra didn’t tell him to… so he just helped him support himself right now.</p><p> </p><p>It took a few minutes until Ezra calmed down, enough to talk normally again. Once he saw he wouldn’t drop from his chair, Kanan stepped away, sitting back in the pilot seat but facing him, his undivided attention on him.</p><p> </p><p>“So...You don’t… want me to do anything?” Ezra asked again looking down.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Kanan said clearly, but for the next part he struggled a bit to gather his thoughts on how to explain. “What I had with him… that is not something you choose here. I won’t expect you to do anything at all.” </p><p> </p><p>Ezra nodded glancing away, still a bit embarrassed and confused about this. </p><p> </p><p>Kanan sighed.... “It’s like if he was a twin you didn’t know you had. You share quite a lot, but you have your own experiences...”</p><p> </p><p>Ezra looked up hesitantly but gave him a sad smile. “I mean… I never had siblings but… yeah, I think he would be like a twin, right?” Ezra nodded and dried his tears. He scolded himself from breaking down like that. “Y-you said you didn’t do it all the way?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, we were sharing a bed and… we were…” Kanan hesitated a bit, clearing his throat. </p><p> </p><p>“Practicing.”</p><p> </p><p>Kanan’s eyes grew large. “Yes,” Kanan was surprised because that’s how they had called it. </p><p>“We were... taking things slow.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.”</p><p> </p><p>They both grew silent. That was all Ezra wanted to know right now.</p><p> </p><p>“So I can stay? No strings attached?”</p><p> </p><p>“As long as you need, if that’s what you want,” Kanan nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, I don’t want to get killed and… I just want to-... not to be alone.”</p><p> </p><p>“You won’t be.”</p><p> </p><p>“I hope it doesn’t make things too awkward… but I guess it’s too late for that, huh,” Ezra tried to joke, giving a half hearted chuckle.</p><p> </p><p>Kanan smiled seeing Ezra was slowly recovering a bit of his light. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to finish getting things in order…” Ezra gestured outside. He might call it too… he was still somewhat embarrassed and thought maybe going to sleep would help after all this emotional ordeal.</p><p> </p><p>“Sure,” Kanan nodded and Ezra left slowly a moment later. </p><p> </p><p>Kanan stared at the empty copilot seat.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I just needed the money, ok!? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath and leaned back trying to calm himself. He had no idea what kinds of things Ezra had gone through while living alone in Lothal. He had wanted to ask about whatever had happened… but he knew he shouldn’t press at all. Kanan also hadn’t wanted to talk too much about how the Inquisitors had broken him and everything he suffered at their hands. If Ezra ever wanted to talk about it, it would be on his terms, when he was ready.</p><p> </p><p>He was just glad Ezra was willing to stay and would continue training, even though Kanan realized it would be much more complicated now that he seemed to understand why Ezra was so reluctant on opening up.</p><p> </p><p>Ezra saw himself as broken. Undeserving. Ashamed of whatever had happened to him. Surrounded by despair. Fearing that any other light he found would be just an illusion… a trap. </p><p> </p><p>Kanan wished he would realize none of those things were true… just like he had.</p><p> </p><p>The road ahead seemed long and painful… but he had promised he would be there for him in any way he needed and he intended to keep that promise.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! </p><p>This story will be shorter than <b><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/15618783">The Lost Way</a></b>but definitely more emotionally heavy. There's a lot they both have to process first.</p><div class="center">
  <p><br/>Please leave a comment and a kudos if you like it! </p>
  <p>☆*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:*☆</p>
  <p>♥♥♥ THANK YOU!! ♥♥♥ </p>
</div>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <i>Stars in the dark sky<br/>Pull my mind outside<br/>But this conversation<br/>Wants to bleed me dry<br/>The trouble is, I don't know what to say<br/>The trouble is, I don't think I ever will</i>
  </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The next morning, Ezra remained in his cabin a bit longer than usual. He had trouble sleeping after everything they had discussed the day before and he was still a bit worried about having to face Kanan. He had promised nothing would change and he didn’t have to do anything, but that only brought more questions on his own… and dark whispers that made his chest hurt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s lulling you into a false sense of security.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No. No. He promised.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He will simply get tired of you. He even let the other one go. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But why? Hadn’t they been together? He would have tried to make him stay right? If they were actually something… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra grimaced. He hadn’t wanted to know what the other Ezra had done here at all. He had had enough of the Ghost crew telling him just how great *he* used to be and wondering why he wasn’t like that anymore. Trying to “fix” him. Trying to return him They didn’t know. They wouldn’t understand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra touched his chest… the wounds he had woken up to here had almost healed leaving barely any scars. He also noticed he had received the same scar on his left cheek like the one over there. He had gotten used to seeing it on the mirror so he didn’t immediately realize he had it here too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was afraid of asking more about what had happened… because maybe that would give Kanan the wrong idea and make questions on his own. But, it was his body after all. He deserved to know how he got these wounds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He decided to at least ask about that. He got up the bed, changed himself and left his cabin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan was already up in the kitchen area. He seemed to be a light sleeper… Ezra hesitated for a second before waving hello at him, still feeling a bit awkward from their talk the day before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh… good morning!” Ezra said trying to sound casual and failing at that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan offered him a small smile and a nod. “Morning.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll get myself something for breakfast,” Ezra announced.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Kanan said with a chuckle and moved to the table to eat a nutrition bar on his own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It now dawned on Ezra that Kanan hadn’t eaten a lot since they had been flying together. He had only seen Kanan eat a few regular rations and bars like this… and maybe a caff at most. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You sure you don’t want something else?” Ezra asked, a bit concerned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan blinked, taken back, and looked down at his bar. He didn’t say anything but Ezra could see his expression clearly full of internal conflict. It seemed he hadn’t realized he wasn’t eating well and he was scolding himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Anything is fine,” Kanan cleared his throat and nodded. “If that’s not much trouble...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, no trouble. Waffles?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes... that would be nice, thanks,” Kanan said with a sad smile. Ezra was reaching at the package on the pantry but then stopped for a second remembering that was one of the favorite things the crew liked to prepare together. Kriff… had he made him remember something like that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You keep messing things up.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He forced himself to reach the box and focused on preparing something for both of them. They started eating in silence but they were a bit more relaxed. This wasn’t bad… Kanan didn’t look annoyed or bothered by him, so that gave Ezra a bit of courage to ask what he had wanted to know from earlier when Kanan was taking the plates to the sink after they had finished eating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra cleared his throat. “Hey, do you know how he got the scar?” He tapped his cheek. “I didn’t have it before leaving. They told me he had gotten it over there when fighting Inquisitors to rescue you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan slowly turned around and nodded. “Yes, I know. He showed me. He got it very similarly here too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra blinked confused. “What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He almost got beheaded by an Inquisitor blade trying to rescue me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra’s jaw dropped. “What!? Seriously? Doesn’t he have any self-preservation?? GEEZ!” He grimaced, rubbing his neck but then grew alarmed for what he had said. “I mean-…! I’m glad he rescued you and all that-!” He stuttered, cringing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Kanan seemed calm, even a bit nostalgic. “He didn’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wha-?” He hadn’t saved him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kana looked down at the floor between them. “He showed me his memories of the crew because…” Kanan trailed off for a second, gathering the strength to say the next part. “I was an Inquisitor at the time. He tried to make me remember how much the crew meant to me so I would leave… but I rejected his help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were an Inquisitor?” Ezra frowned in disbelief. But weren’t the Inquisitors cruel murderers and used the darkside? Kanan couldn’t be one of them… no way...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan nodded slowly. “When the crew was killed, they captured me,” he said leaning back, supporting himself in the kitchen, his hands gripping the border tightly. “They… broke me. I fell. I became one of them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra stared at him in shock… not because of what had happened but because he was telling him this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I would never be able to tell someone if that happened… I could never let them know… just like…</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But-... then, if you rejected his help then… how did you-?” Ezra glanced away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Leave?” Kanan sighed, this time looking up. “In a way, his plan worked. I remembered them but… I thought it was a trap. I wanted to know how he had shown me those memories to get in good graces with the Grand Inquisitor. But things got out of hand and I ended up running away with him.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra dared to look up at him and now he noticed… the scars in Kanan’s neck and arms when the sleeves moved and didn’t cover him enough. How had he missed them during the last few weeks? They were so clear and obvious...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Those marks you have...” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, scars from their torture,” Kanan said passing his right hand over his left arm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra bit his lip in shame.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He had it worse than you. You are laughable to feel like what happened to you can compare.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmhh… What about the ones I got…? In my chest? These were fresh when I got back…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan frowned. “The claw marks… That’s more difficult to explain,” he scratched the back of his head. “We were attacked at the Temple. I think it was some kind of manifestation of my darkside. A black wolf. He went after Ezra but I defeated it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whoa… ok,” Ezra smiled. “So that thing is gone now, right? I mean, you are strong… you must have destroyed it,” Ezra said. That had to explain why Kanan would be so good now, but Kanan tilted his head unconvinced.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t believe it simply goes away like that… one does not become immune to the darkside just because you defeated it once, even if it was like that… It’s always there,” Kanan said, bringing his hand over his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But that… couldn’t be right. Ezra had been told the Force would help him to feel better, but if this darkness remained...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra’s shoulder dropped in defeat. “Then what’s the point?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess the point is… to live striving to be the best we can be. For us and… for people around us,” Kanan explained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see…” Ezra whispered, now calmer and pensive. “I want to keep training.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan nodded. “Alright.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the moment, Ezra was relieved Kanan didn’t seem to feel the need to ask questions about his own past. He wasn’t ready to talk yet… He didn’t know if he would ever have the courage to open up like Kanan had just done with him. To talk about-…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You are weak and a coward… </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He clenched his teeth trying hard to ignore those thoughts. Kanan gave him a quick glance and simply gestured to the cargo area and both of them proceeded to go through some of the lightsaber forms. Even though Ezra was a bit stiff at the start, he slowly relaxed as the minutes went by. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan had been right when he said training would help them both. It seemed like they were letting what bothered them flow away with each movement. The pressure on his chest lessened a bit and Ezra was thankful for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s initial worries slowly dissipated. He had feared Ezra would regret staying and leave… just like he had initially felt when he left the Inquisitors. He had accepted to follow that other Ezra because it was tactically sound but he kept thinking about leaving… feeling he couldn’t stay, he shouldn’t stay… rejecting the warmth and acceptance Ezra had offered him. And when he had realized their true feelings... he actually left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not him. I’m not the man you love. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan had told that to Ezra and then walked away. He had thought Ezra had been deluding himself… he wasn’t the Jedi Knight Ezra said he could be... that man had died with the crew, leaving just a shell of his former self… one that would only hurt him and bring him misery. So he left. He removed himself from his life… it was for the best, he thought. He spent weeks on his own, slowly sinking deeper in depression, self-hate and loneliness… he felt so lost that he only saw two options… he could end it right there or… he could reach back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saying… accepting he needed help had been one of the hardest things he had done as well as taking the risk to learn to love again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And now…. It broke his heart to know this Ezra might be going through something similar. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was desperate, torn between not wanting to be left alone and terrified to form a connection, afraid to get discarded and emotionally hurt… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All he could do for him was to be open and support him… no close contact, no shows of affection that could be misinterpreted. Even though they continued training and doing milk runs, Kanan gave him a wide berth whenever they weren’t sparring and training. He was true to his promise of keeping his distance and respect his boundaries. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra had been wary of getting too close to anybody… but when he was thrown into a different life with the Ghost crew he had a taste of what being cared for felt like. He had mostly kept to himself, although he had tried to impress Sabine on the other world… maybe too hard. He had tried to show her he was brave and capable…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Liar.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yes... that wasn't true... it had been just a show. He had almost jeopardized the mission and gotten them killed in accident. Sabine had been furious. He had stopped trying to win her over after that. Why did he even bother? He knew he would never amount to anything more than what they said he used to be. All he was ever good for was for-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He froze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The memory of something he had kept buried overwhelmed him. He felt a wave of nausea. Of dread overcoming him. Of shame. He felt he couldn’t breath. He hated himself. He was so stupid. It was all his own fault-…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a knock on the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ezra?” Kanan asked with a concerned tone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y-yeah?” Ezra tried to keep his voice even.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a pause. “Do you want to spar?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, sparring sounds good,” Ezra said, immediately grabbing the lightsaber and heading for the door. Anything to keep himself from continuing feeling and thinking about that. He left the cabin, barely looking up at Kanan, fearing he would see the hints of tears on his eyes and discreetly dried them as they moved to the cargo area.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They fought. Ezra slashed with full emotion. His hands were shaking. Each time, Kanan blocked and allowed him to use all strength to push him back. He never once complained. He never said a word. He just helped him to take it all out… not to keep it bottled up and consuming him. It lasted almost an hour… they were both exhausted, gasping for air and could barely stay up, drenched in sweat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Better?” Kanan asked massaging his aching shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra gave him a tired smile. </span>
  <span>“Thanks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan nodded and took a deep breath. “I’m going to hit the refresh if you don’t mind.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra chuckled and agreed. Kanan started to leave and took off his drenched shirt, feeling he was cooking himself. Ezra glanced at him and… stared at his back in pained shock… he saw all the scars he had in his back, shoulders, arms. Kanan must have suffered so much… and those marks would remind him every day of what had happened to him. He shouldn’t complain about his own past… it was nothing compared to being tortured…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You are nothing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Kanan said, touching Ezra’s shoulder. Ezra gasped at the touch and Kanan pulled back his hand. “Sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I just-” Ezra cleared his throat. “I was surprised, that’s all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan gave him a concerned look. “You are slipping into the dark again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra grimaced embarrassed. That’s right, Kanan could kind of feel his emotions with the Force. He was surely broadcasting them but he still didn't know how to stop himself from doing that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that obvious?” Ezra chuckled with a tired sigh. “Yeah, don’t worry. That’s something I have to do on my own, right?” He glanced away. He needed to do this by himself. </span>
  <span>Kanan had this aura of light about him. If he could move on from his dark past… then maybe I could do it too, Ezra thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In a way, yes…” Kanan conceded. “I tried that but I ended up asking for help. I couldn’t do it alone,” he explained softly. “There’s no shame in asking for help and... I’ll try to help you if I can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra bit his lower lip, holding back something in his chest. “Thank you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan smiled at him warmly, understanding.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra sat at the top turret by himself, looking at space… alone with his thoughts. That was usually never good, but the stars seemed to have a soothing effect on his soul.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was still at loss as to how he was supposed to get over his dark thoughts if he didn’t seem able to keep them under control. He couldn’t help it. He sighed feeling defeated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He placed a hand on his shoulder, where Kanan’s hand had been. It had been warm and soothing. How could Kanan still go on with life after all that happened to him? He was… amazing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His cheeks reddened at the realization and shook his head scolding himself. What are you thinking??</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Kanan had told him what had happened between the other Ezra and him he had panicked. He felt the waves of memories coming back. He couldn’t breath. He thought there was no other option… just like at that time. He had been willing to do it with him if it meant he wouldn’t be abandoned. Anything would have been better than being alone again… and maybe it wouldn’t be that bad with Kanan. Ezra had done it before, even if he had promised himself he would never allow himself to be powerless again. But when he was faced again with the situation… all that mattered to him was that he wouldn’t be left behind this time. It had all come down to that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan had been very clear that was NOT going to happen. That he would stay back and just help him. But as weeks went by… Ezra felt something… something that made him anxious… something he hadn’t expected...a warmth he had tried hard to snuff out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan was a wounded light, much like himself, but he had somehow learned how to keep the darkness at bay. It made Ezra want to be better… made him want to do the right thing, not only to gain his respect because it was... good. When they were together… Ezra didn’t feel as lost anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at his hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Together.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He kept going back to that first handshake. To the day he woke up at the Temple, how Kanan had rushed to his side to check on him. How much he seemed to care for him...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He started to wonder how it would feel to be held by him. Am I actually considering-?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why are you thinking this!?  You can't just fall for the first sign of care someone gives you! You are so pathetic... so needy... He’s not interested in YOU, that much is clear. You can’t just tell him you might have changed your mind! </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The voice scolded him and Ezra agreed shaking his head trying to get the idea out of his head… out of his chest… out of his heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was going to work hard on his training and hopefully Kanan wouldn’t regret sticking with him to help him. He would get his emotion under control and actually improve with the Force training once and for all, so he was capable of defending himself… and Kanan.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>During the following days, Ezra doubled down on meditation and moving things with his mind. He was still not willing to open himself fully to the Force, but Kanan could see that was still a great progress. Ezra was glad that he started to get better with the Force...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>… but it was also the moment when he noticed Kanan’s nightmares.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra turned on his sleep and woke up one night feeling a wave of… something cold. For a second he feared the life support of the ship was failing, but he soon realized that was not the case. The feeling… came from the other cabin… It was dark and desperate... and full of sorrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra blinked in disbelief. Kanan was... having a nightmare. Ezra left the bunk and walked out of his cabin. He stood before Kanan’s door with a pained look on his face. What to do? He was afraid he would go into Kanan's cabin and he would misunderstand his intentions. He didn’t want him to think he was trespassing on his privacy or- or-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>He felt another wave of fear... despair.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra frowned. Kanan was suffering in the dream. He couldn’t let that happen. He needed to help him in some way. He wanted to protect him from that familiar darkness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kanan,” he knocked on the door. There was no response. Kanan couldn’t hear him, he was too deep into that nightmare. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kanan!” Ezra tried again, this time louder, hitting the door. If he didn’t respond- He didn’t care anymore! He would go inside and wake him up himself. It didn’t matter what Kanan thought of him, he just wanted to save him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kanan!” Ezra pounded again and was going to start to figure out the lock of the door when he suddenly heard shuffling and rushing. The door opened. Kanan stood there, looking at him with an expression of hope, his eyes locked on his. Ezra held his breath. No one had looked at him like that. His surprised expression made Kanan pause for a second... and he straightened, finally remembering to breathe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra understood then… for a second, Kanan thought the other Ezra had returned to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>All you do is bring pain to his life. You remind him of what he lost.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan was still gathering his thoughts, trying to calm himself, and find his center.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were having a nightmare,” Ezra was the one to speak first, glancing away from Kanan’s eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I...Sorry to wake you up,” Kanan said looking the other way, silently scolding himself for making the mistake. “I didn’t realize I was being loud this time…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You weren’t. I felt it,” Ezra explained with a shrug but then blinked with worry. “Wait… this time? Does this happen to you a lot?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s lip made a fine line and sighed. “Sometimes. Not as much as before. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see… Do you want me to knock again if I notice?” Ezra offered in a low voice… almost a whisper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes… thank you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ok… good… I’ll go back then... ‘night,” Ezra nodded and returned back to his cabin. He went to lie down but he couldn’t go back to sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The way Kanan had looked at him… no one had looked at him like that. It wasn’t lust. It had been a deep warm emotion... beautiful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something stirred in him again… a small flame sparked in his heart, wishing someday that emotion would be directed at him. But he knew it was foolish for him to ever dream so. He doused that spark with his tears as the dark voice kept reminding him how worthless he was... </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The lights of hyperspace disappeared, returning them to normal space. They were quiet in the cockpit. Ezra looked out and a small smile crept on his lips. The star system they had arrived to looked like something out of a dream. It was located close to a bright glowing nebula and had several dozen gas giants with rings and moons.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan whistled, impressed, and Ezra chuckled in agreement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan smiled seeing Ezra’s eyes full of awe at this place, a moment of respite from the darkness he knew he was fighting. Kanan’s brow furrowed and quickly reprimanded himself. Yesterday night was too close… too damn close. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had been dreaming of The Mirrors… rows and rows of mirrors leading to other worlds in the cave of the Jedi temple. That strange place… that world between worlds... Countless other realities, but he couldn’t find the right one. He couldn’t find the mirror the Other Ezra had used to return to his home. He then heard dark whispers and a glass shattering in the distance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No. No, it couldn't be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ran into that direction as fast as he could... but he came to a full stop when he saw the pile of shards on the dark floor. The mirror way was broken… It would never be opened again. He had already accepted he would lose Ezra, but being back here roused a painful emotion he thought he had under control… he felt his own heart breaking again, leaving it just like the mirror in front of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A cold shiver ran up his spine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He heard a grim dark chuckle behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan slowly looked back and his eyes grew large with shock.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Through the darkness and the stars, between the mirrors, something dark emerged… a creature Kanan hoped he would never have to encounter again. The Black Wolf. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Wolf sneered at him for thinking he had defeated him. His bright yellow eyes were mocking him, glancing at the shards behind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>You are a fool.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>He’s alone. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Without you.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’ll find him eventually. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’ll destroy him too.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Just like I’ll destroy you.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It leaped at Kanan. Kanan rolled away. He didn’t have the lightsaber with him and he knew this time he wouldn’t get help from the White Wolf. He ran.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I’ll rip your soul apart!</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wolf snarled as he ran behind him. Kanan couldn’t seem to lose him. He tried fleeing into the other mirrors but he couldn’t cross… there was nowhere else to go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kanan.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt his heart skip a beat. He turned about to a small light behind him. It was Ezra. Calling to him. He could feel the warmth reaching for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kanan! </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan reached for it and entered the light just as the wolf attempted to bite him, dissolving into nothingness...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan was back at his cabin, his body waking with a jolt and falling from the bed. He heard the knock on his door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kanan!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Could it be? His heart started pounding in his chest. He rushed to open the door and saw him there. Kanan was just about to hold him, cry of happiness but- Ezra’s eyes looked at him confused.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan had apologized. He hoped he hadn’t scared Ezra into thinking he couldn’t keep his emotions in check… but for a moment he had felt as if… he had returned that feeling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You are projecting. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reprimanded himself and sighed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had been mostly quiet that day until they got a request from some merchants in Lysatra. They wanted help to fill a few tanks of a rare gas up close to that nebula. They would have done it themselves but the were sightings of pirates in the area for the last few weeks and they didn’t dare to go closer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was good money so they decided to take it anyway. Just as they were finishing up passing through a cloud of gas and filling some canisters, they were startled when there was an urgent beep from the control panel. The Ghost had picked up an emergency transmission.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They looked at each other and patched it through.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The holo-vid was grainy, barely visible, a woman with a blaster was asking for help. In the background they could hear the sound of shouting and blaster fire.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span><em>“To anyone out there. Please! We are being attacked by pirates! We are pinned down in two buildings. Please! We have children here. Anyone, help! We don’t know how long we can hold on-”</em> the message was cut.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra had immediately straightened and looked at Kanan expectantly. “They need help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan nodded and started to activate all the ship’s systems. “It seems the signal came from an outpost nearby,” he brought up a map on the screen, indicating a nearby moon although there was no record of a colony being there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go,” Ezra said, already getting up and heading to the turrets. Something had suddenly switched in his mind. Those people needed help. Kids. He would not abandon them!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They swooped into the outpost… It was a very tiny community in the middle of some plains. A couple of raider ships were flying above them. They didn’t want to simply blast the two main buildings away… they could serve as a base. The raiders on the ground were trying to enter and… kill them all. While they wouldn’t out right explode the whole thing… they had started to throw grenades inside one of the buildings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Target their propulsor!” Kanan told Ezra and saw how the first ship’s engines blew up and then crashed far away as it lost control. “Nice!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The raiders on the ground looked up in shock. They had not expected anyone to actually heed the emergency transmission. No one was supposed to come up here. The remaining ship turned and started to chase them, but the Ghost was too fast for them. Kanan knew he would never compare to Hera, but he had learned from her and gave them hell. He flew up, and positioned behind them, Ezra shooting their turrets away. The ship started to flee then, abandoning the raiders in the ground but it didn’t get too far exploding after a well placed barrage from Ezra brought it down. The locals immediately attacked and pushed them back, finishing them off… they had coordinated beautifully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra smiled. They had done it! They had saved these people! He was so happy and proud of himself. He went down the turret to Kanan beaming at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good shooting,” Kanan complimented him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good flying,” Ezra replied a bit embarrassed. He would have gone for a hug but held back admonishing himself. “Let’s-... let’s see if they still need more help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan nodded and both of them rushed out of the Ghost. A few humans and other near-humans were already waiting for them. They actually went for a hug.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you! Thank you!” A young blonde woman with an old helmet cheered at him, almost crushing Ezra’s rib with her hug. She was the one who had sent the message. He just laughed nervously. “We wouldn’t have survived if you hadn’t come and helped us! Thank you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Some of the others were already checking around to start tending their wounded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will you be ok?” Ezra pointed at some scrap on her arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah yes, I think so,” she looked over her people to make sure they were alright. “I’m Varina, pleased to meet you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m Ezra and this is Kanan. I didn’t know there was anyone out here… we were just going for some gas,” Ezra pointed up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, we are not really on the map. We were just setting up this colony outpost. We didn’t expect pirates to take an interest in us just yet,” Varina said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan frowned. Usually Imperial colonies had a detachment of stormtroopers to defend them… but no one here seemed to be one. He looked at the scorched walls of the buildings and realized just how close they had been to getting all wiped out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are not with the Empire.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stilled for a bit looking at Kanan. “Nnnno, no we are not… we are, let’s say, independent...” she said hesitantly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rebellion?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No…” Varina shook her head. “We just-… we just wanted to start over. Most of us have lost too much… from both sides… we just-…” she gulped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are just people,” Ezra said, understanding.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long were you fighting?” Ezra tried to change the subject.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, this had been going on for hours!” She exclaimed, still shaking a bit after having survived. “They cut our long range transmissions… I thought we were goners, but the Boss got us coordinated to send the message on a short range transmission and the defenses too! We wouldn’t have stood a chance without him!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan and Ezra were impressed. This guy must be really good. Varina looked around, stopping a zabrak engineer. “Hey, have you seen the Boss? He was in the other building before we got separated.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s over there, a grenade grazed him but he'll be fine…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Varina nodded excitedly. “Come, I’ll present you. You saved him too after all!” She practically pulled at them from each side. Ezra couldn’t help but laugh. Kanan looked at him… feeling a warmth emotion fill his chest. To see Ezra so happy...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Boss! Boss! Are you ok? Oh I’m so glad you made it!” Varina pulled them through a dozen people trying to thank them and other dozen trying to check on the Boss, but Kanan was not paying much attention to them… he continued to enjoy the smile on Ezra’s-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m ok, Varina…Thank you,” the voice made Kanan’s heart twist as everything turned cold. He stopped. He slowly turned to look at the man sitting in front of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra blinked recognizing that voice. “Hey… I know you,” he said smiling in delight. He could barely believe it. “You are Alexsandr Kallus, right?”  It definitely had to be him! That beard! When Ezra had woken over there, the Ghost crew had brought everyone who knew Ezra to see if he remembered them… but especially this man. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We met at the same time”</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the man had said gesturing at the crew. He had been a ISB agent trying to capture them for a long time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“But I guess you foiled my plans,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> he chuckled as he glanced and gave a happy smile at Zeb.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra suddenly felt a wave of overwhelming cold, hate and darkness…but he- but he wasn’t thinking of anything bad! What was going on-? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kallus had looked up and saw them. His expression turned to terror. Why-? Ezra frowned and looked at Kanan. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were filled with rage, a rage Ezra had never seen before in his life. A hatred that consumed everything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Kanan…?’</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ezra tried to say but no sound came out of his mouth, he was frozen in place. In the blink of an eye Kanan moved to Kallus, the lightsaber igniting in his hand. Everyone around them jumped back in shock.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“IT WAS YOUR FAULT! THEY DIED BECAUSE OF </span>
  <b>YOU</b>
  <span>!” Kanan shouted, pushing Kallus down, the lightsaber just a hair away from burning into the skin of his neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whoa!!” Varina stumbled back trying to get her blaster out but Kallus flickered his eyes at her, slightly raising a hand in her direction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s ok…” Kallus ordered her and everyone else to stand down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“YOU-!” Kanan was trembling, anger and pain blinding him. The dark voice growing to a deafening </span>
  <b>KILL</b>
  <span>. The black wolf was hungry, demanding to be fed. Demanding him to strike down. To bring justice and make him pay for his loss. </span>
  <b>
    <em>To make him suffer.</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then he finally heard him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Kanan</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Ezra’s trembling voice suddenly snapped him back into reality. Kanan turned his head back to look at him. Ezra had a shocked expression and… fear. Not of him but afraid of watching Kanan being consumed by the darkness right in front of him. His hand reached for him trembling. He was afraid he wouldn’t be enough to pull him back up into the light, to save him… he was so lost too… so soaked and weighed down by this same darkness that… maybe both would end up drowning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No. No… he couldn’t fall, Kanan scolded himself. He couldn’t pull Ezra down with him. He felt he couldn’t breathe and the world spun around him. He looked at his hand still holding the lightsaber and then at Kallus. He had calmed down, accepting his fate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Kallus said softly. “I left the Empire. I-… nothing I can say will undo what I did. I’m just trying to-” he glanced at the people around them, the people he had taken upon himself to protect away from the war. He had helped them survive this long… but he looked back at Kanan. He didn’t say another word but what he meant was clear. He would not blame him if Kanan killed him right there… he felt he deserved it. Kanan saw himself in those eyes. A man haunted by his past and his failures, unsure if what he was doing to correct it would ever be enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s grip on Kallus disappeared, the lightsaber turned off. Everyone else around them had been holding their breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra gasped in relief but could see Kanan’s body was trembling. “I have to leave,” he managed to say turning around moved away at a brisk pace. Ezra followed behind immediately. He glanced once at Varina with ‘sorry’ written across his face. She seemed to wish him luck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The people murmured, but Kallus waved, telling them to let them go.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan stepped into the Ghost. Ezra closed up the ramp behind him and as soon as it had closed, Kanan fell to his knees and gave out a long pained wail.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kanan!” Ezra rushed kneeling in front of him. He also had tears in his eyes, but he didn’t remember even starting crying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra had tried so hard to not touch him before either, but… he hugged him. For a second Kanan recoiled out of habit but he gave in and held back to him for dear life, sobbing into Ezra’s chest. To see the strongest man he had ever met, completely broken… Ezra sobbed together with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Kanan had remembered that day... the day that he had lost them. His family. Every person he loved. Gone. </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The pain seemed unbearable and the only thing that was keeping him together was this embrace.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a few minutes, Kanan managed to find his center, managed to get back in control of the pain… to breathe... only to realize Ezra was now whispering something desperately over and over as he cried along with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Please forgive me, please,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ezra kept begging and sobbing.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wha?,” Kanan pushed through the haze, he looked at Ezra’s sorrowful face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you hate me?” Ezra asked weeping. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. No,” Kanan held him protectively. Why was he saying that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But… it was my fault too!” Ezra cried out in despair. “I understand what happened now! They told me how we all met there on a mission where Kallus tried to capture us and I saved them.  But I wasn’t here! I fucked up! I was supposed to be here and help you. And… they all died! They died because of me! This hate, this pain you have… It’s me! It was my fault! I’m so sorry! Please, don’t hate me…! I’m sorry! I’M SORRY!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan gasped trying to keep Ezra up, held him in his arms. He seemed to have lost all his strength. He felt Ezra sinking in despair, the darkness drowning him...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You couldn’t even do that… you couldn’t even be there for them… your mistake cost everyone’s life… you don’t deserve anything. All you do is make things worse. You should just die. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. No! It’s not you…! I could never hate you! I never blamed you!" Kanan said trying to reach him with with the Force. Trying to make a connection. "Ezra... I know... I know what you feel. It was me who I hated... I felt I wasn’t strong enough. That I was weak. But… now I know that it is not true either… it’s easier to blame others or ourselves than to accept sometimes things are just out of our control. It wasn't your fault... wasn't my fault...”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“But it’s not fair! You deserve them!” Ezra yelled out in frustration. If anyone deserved to be happy… that was Kanan. He deserved to be with people who loved him... who made him happy!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No one is owed anything. They don’t belong to me,” Kanan said looking down with a sad smile. It was hard to say that... he still was trying to learn how to handle that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you loved them and now you miss them!” Ezra said, pulling slightly away. “You… miss him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan closed his eyes as a couple of tears ran down... he tried to speak, but couldn't... it was painful to accept the truth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra looked at him. “You really loved him. It wasn’t just…” Ezra tried to find something in Kanan’s eyes. “Why did you send him away? He could have stayed here… with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan took a deep breath. “My Master once told me that it was fine to love how things were at any given time, but… the universe always changes, it’s in its nature. We must… learn to accept that. I had to learn to let go,” he explained. “He was needed back there. He knew this… we both knew this. I loved him but I had to let him go,” he said, closing his eyes… but slowly realized this was very much like that time. Ezra held to him begging to let him stay, telling him he loved him, that he needed him… but they had accepted this was not where he was meant to be...</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra stared at him for a moment and then looked down with a sad resigned smile. “He was very lucky to have you…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s eyes opened in surprise, sensing the same resignation he had felt from the other Ezra  the moment they had decided to let each other go. “Ez-!” But Ezra was already standing up, hiding behind an unreadable expression and walking away from him towards the cockpit. Kanan could have sworn he had more tears running down his cheeks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I… I’ll get the ship going. Kallus and the others might be wondering why aren’t we taking off. I’ll take us to orbit. You should rest,” Ezra said as he climbed up quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan was left in silence… then looked down at his empty arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Did Ezra have feelings for him? Was he just imagining things? Sensing what he wished it was true? No. It had been real. But he wouldn't do anything, just as he had promised.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All Kanan could do now was to try to keep each other alive, but their past was catching up with them,and they would have to face their demons together… or fall trying.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading. Please leave a kudos and a comment if you can. I would love to hear what you thought of this chapter.</p><p>The fic is already rated mature but I have to warn you in advance that there will be some adult content after this.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <br/>
    <i><br/>Pull me out of the ocean<br/>Take me up in your arms again<br/>Cast away, with the love you send<br/></i>
    <br/>
  </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Kanan felt like he couldn’t move. Like he had lost all strength on his arms and legs. He remained kneeling in the cargo area of the Ghost for a few more minutes after Ezra had gone to take the Ghost back to space. He felt the ship leaving, breaking through the atmosphere, perhaps a bit harder on the engines that he would have normally done but he understood the reason why. Ezra was trying to get him away from where Kallus lived as fast as he possibly could.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>That… He had not expected </span>
  <b>that</b>
  <span>. But when did life ever throw things you were expecting? The main problem was that it had completely plunged him back into a state of doubt and pain. Just when he thought he was getting better, well enough to help Ezra at least, he was reminded that the darkside was still there. Still waiting. Still craving, clawing to get out at the slightest opportunity. He had learned to identify it and turn away from it… but... He had been overwhelmed by images of the day the crew had died. The day he lost everything…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, not everything.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A soft voice reminded him. It was a combination of Billaba’s wise tone and Hera’s positivity. They were right. He looked down at his arms. The feeling of Ezra’s warm light lingered there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra had not been there. He blamed himself for their deaths as much as Kanan did for not being strong enough to protect them. The Other Ezra had saved them in his reality, but… Kanan suddenly had this dreading sensation on his chest telling him the same might not have happened even if Ezra had been there. As if… he would have died along with the others if he had come with them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Ezra was alive.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan looked up to the hallway that led to the cockpit with a worried expression. They had suffered so much since then. He had thought there would be nothing else for him… but the Other Ezra had proved him wrong. When it was time to say goodbye, he had accepted that he would be alone from then on. He was resigned with that fate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But the Force kept proving him wrong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan had been holding him and then… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was very lucky to have you...</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra left after that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan kept wondering if that meant what he thought it meant. He sighed and shook his head. He needed to rest… he was mentally and emotionally drained. He slowly got up and went back to his room, giving a last glance to the cockpit before closing the door behind him.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Ezra heard Kanan return to his cabin and took a deep breath, feeling himself sinking in the pilot’s seat. He looked at the beautiful sight of the stars before him but it did nothing to ease the pain in his heart. They had both broken down and cried in each other’s arms. He wished he could take Kanan’s pain away. All that sadness… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closed his eyes and remembered being held by Kanan. Ezra held himself similarly… and felt his throat tightening, holding back tears in his eyes. No one had held him since he had lost his parents…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, that’s not true. Someone else held you before… </span>
  </em>
  <span>The dark voice chided. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No. No. That didn’t count, Ezra thought, shaking his head, feeling disgust at himself. This was different. This feeling was pure and warm and bright…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra was so tired of being cold. He just wished-... he wished he could be what Kanan needed. Who Kanan loved. To be held again. To feel warm. To feel loved. But…this was so selfish of him. Ezra covered his mouth, holding back a sob. He felt ashamed of feeling like this while Kanan was suffering.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You are a bad person. All you think is yourself. He could never love someone as selfish as you. He was in pain and you broke down and dumped your own problems on him. It’s not all about you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rubbed his face with trembling hands trying to focus. Keep it together Ezra. You have been alone all your life, he told himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at the control panel to check for the time. It was getting late. He hadn’t heard Kanan leaving his room so Ezra decided to go and get some sleep, too. Trying to put these feelings behind. It took him a bit more than usual, and he finally fell asleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But not long after, Ezra felt a wave of turmoil and sadness. His eyes opened immediately. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He must be having another nightmare, Ezra thought. He didn’t hesitate this time, going directly to the door and knocking loud enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kanan, you are having a nightmare,” he called with concern. There was a moment of silence but then he heard a sigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Kanan’s voice said from the inside. Ezra nodded but left his hand in the door for a second. He stared at it, but then scolded himself silently and went back to his room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it happened again… and again. When Ezra woke up and went to knock on the door for the third time, Kanan actually seemed to give up on getting any sleep tonight and left the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I kept you awake,” he apologized. It was still a few hours away until ‘morning’.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s nothing,” Ezra shrugged, but he could see Kanan looked terrible. “I’ll prepare some caf for both of us,” he offered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should go to sleep, Ezra. You don’t have to stay up,” Kanan rubbed his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, don’t worry,” Ezra moved to the kitchen before Kanan could complain and went to prepare things. Kanan slowly sat at the small table and Ezra gave him quick worried glances. Kanan’s hands were clasped tightly together. They were trembling. Ezra’s heart skipped a beat. He held his breath. His chest hurt. He got a sudden overwhelming need to place his hands over Kanan’s and tell him… what? Tell him what? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You don’t even know what to say to him. Are you really that stupid?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra looked away, biting his lip, and finished pouring the caf in the mugs. He placed one in front of Kanan and he slowly reached for it but didn’t immediately drink it. Ezra sat on the opposite side. Both of them stared at their mugs in silence for a long time until Kanan finally took a sip from it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra sighed and drank a bit too. He noticed Kanan kept closing his eyes. His eyes would wander around but then it was like he grimaced in pain and closed them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kanan…” Ezra asked softly… almost if he was afraid of upsetting him. “Is… something wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s lips made a fine line. “Yes...” he whispered, deciding to keep his eyes on the caff.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan took a moment before answering, taking another sip and placing the mug down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s the Ghost.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra’s eyes grew wide. That was the problem. The ship itself kept reminding him of</span>
  <em>
    <span> them</span>
  </em>
  <span>. This was their home. That’s why everywhere he looked, it hurt him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan sighed. The first time he had returned to the ship… it had been so difficult even just to step inside. He had gotten better with time… but right now… with the wound being reopened and so fresh, it was not helping him at all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to stay away from the ship for a bit?” Ezra tentatively asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-…” Kanan hesitated but then nodded. “Yes. I need some time to… find my center...I don’t think I can do that here right now...” he confessed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s ok… There’s not much space on the Escape tho, we would need to stay somewhere else for a while,” Ezra scratched the back of his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s fine…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We still need to drop the cargo we got back in Lysatra… do you want to stay there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Kanan said absentmindedly. “Let’s look somewhere else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>While Ezra went to check the map for any potential planets to stay, Kanan went back to his room to start packing a few things. Once he got some clothes into a bag, he turned to leave but he stopped before the door. He looked back at his bunk and went back, kneeling and opening the secret compartment, revealing the holocron.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s body tensed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn't used it since… since he opened it with the Other Ezra… together. He was afraid to try to open it again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was starting to doubt himself once more. Afraid of trying and failing... but maybe more afraid of trying and succeeding … because the last time it had opened was thanks to their love. Even though he had learned to let go, the image of Ezra’s sad smile filled his mind, his heart. The problem was… that image was this Ezra’s too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan placed the holocron in the bag with the rest of his things. He wasn’t sure of the implications but he would face them when the time came. Right now, he needed to deal with this first. He could not hope to protect Ezra if his mind and soul were in turmoil.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>After leaving the cargo in Lysatra, they took off and left for a planet not very far from there, at the edge of Wild Space, almost in the Unknown Regions. Ezra had found a small ocean planet with several archipielagos. There were only a couple of coastal towns. It seemed like the planet didn’t have many resources the Empire was interested in. The planet itself was only visited by other wild spacers because some of the fish was considered a delicacy around this side of the Galaxy. Ezra was glad there was no Imperial presence as they landed in the tiny space port that also served as a dock for the locals’ seaships. They made their way to the closest inn, a tall but old building that just happened to be at the end of the pier. The place seemed busier than they initially expected for such a small town. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They approached the innkeeper at the reception desk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello there!” the old woman said cheerfully, turning to them, but then she noticed both of them looked terrible. “oh.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We are going to stay here for… a couple of days I think,” Kanan said and placed the credits in front of her. She raised an eyebrow also seeing how Ezra was looking around carefully, just making sure there were no troopers in this area.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhh… what are you running away from?” She asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan seemed to freeze at those words. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What are you running away from? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ezra realized Kanan’s hesitation and he turned to glare at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If it is a problem, we will go somewhere else-” Ezra reached for the credits. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no, no, not a problem,” she was faster than him, taking the money and placing it out of sight. “Just making sure a bounty hunter won’t be just breaking down doors, that’s all. We got all kinds of visitors lately.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra narrowed his eyes but then turned to Kanan. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you ok?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> he whispered just barely audibly, concerned for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes… it just took me by surprise…” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright…” the woman said, looking at the available rooms in her old holo display. “One room or separate?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both of them tensed. “Separate,” Kanan rushed to say, maybe a bit too quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra looked away. Was he sad? Disappointed? He scolded himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman eyed them but simply reached for two keycards. “Alright, here you have. Hope you enjoy your stay~...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But they didn’t stay to hear the rest, just grabbing their stuff and going upstairs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That woman will sell us for a credit,” Ezra muttered under his breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan agreed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rooms they got were in fact what they suspected had once been service rooms at the rooftop of the building… set up as some kind of terrace. It reminded Ezra of his room back at the tower. Just a squeaky bed, a table and some very visible pipes in the back wall.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We could ask our money back,” Ezra offered, standing at Kanan’s door and seeing his room was pretty much the same.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Kanan chuckled. “This is all I need.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra gave him a sad smile. Yeah, his room was also pretty austere but they had worked hard for that money.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nightfall was approaching so they simply left to find dinner and came back to sleep. They were exhausted. They entered their rooms in silence wishing each other good night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Ezra woke up again, in the middle of the night, feeling the familiar despair from Kanan. He furrowed his brow with worry, filled with sadness. Oh no… it didn’t work. He had hoped leaving the Ghost would allow Kanan to stop having the nightmares and rest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was going to get up and knock again but he heard how Kanan left the bed and also his room. He had managed to rouse himself from the nightmare on his own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra waited for a bit. He could still feel Kanan outside but he wasn’t coming back to his room. Ezra sighed, put on a shirt and went outside too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan was sitting against his own door… looking at the starry night. The sky was clear and it was illuminated by thin planetary rings. Ezra hadn’t actually noticed how impressive they looked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s beautiful…” Ezra whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan nodded. “Sometimes we don’t pay enough attention to the world around us… we would miss something like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra closed his door and sat against it too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I assume… it didn’t work,” he said in a low voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Kanan sighed. “I’m sorry to have dragged you all the way here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, that’s fine with me,” Ezra smiled at him. “I just hoped it would help you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan gave him a curious glance. “You were looking out for troopers when we arrived,” Kanan commented, resting his head back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes… I’m a bit worried. Do you think the people from Kallus’ colony would tell the Empire we were there?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan had used the lightsaber in rage. Everyone knew the Empire was hunting Jedi.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan shook his head. “No. If they do..They'll come for Kallus and maybe some other people there too. They were fleeing. The Empire isn't kind to defectors…” he trailed off realizing what this meant for Kallus but tried not to think much about it. “So, you met him too in the other world?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. He was ok, I guess,” Ezra shrugged and then pulled his knees closer. “He was at the base mostly. Zeb and him seemed close. I think he joined the Rebellion because of him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan frowned and closed his eyes… Ezra could see his jaw tensing and then... he sighed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He was… the one that killed Zeb here,” Kanan said through gritted teeth. It was… like a bad joke. He couldn’t help feeling bitterness about it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry…” Ezra felt his throat tightening. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s expression softened and he appeared resigned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think… I have to… get it out,” Kanan looked at his hand and touched his chest. “I have tried to forget… avoided thinking about that day for far too long.” He had even avoided talking about it with the other Ezra. “But I won't burden you with that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you want to talk, it’s fine,” Ezra assured him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s face showed worry and hesitation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra bit his lip and looked away. “If you don’t trust me… I understand…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s not it,” Kanan hurried to say. “I just don’t want you to think this was your fault. It was not,”  his voice was earnest looking at him. Ezra had made it clear before he blamed himself for their loss… for not being there. “Ezra, it was not your fault.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra offered back a little sad smile. “I understand. I want to help you, if that’s what you need, please tell me…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan took a deep breath and swallowed hard, feeling a wave of nausea and anger roll over him, but he managed to withstand it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It happened so fast…” he started, his whole body tensed. “We had gotten a tip about some wookies being shipped off to Kessel…” he continued. “We made it in fine… no problem. I made my way with Zeb to the holding cells while Sabine and Chopper went to disable the ship’s systems…-” he made a long pause as it was hard to breathe. “But it was a trap. They were waiting for us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This much Ezra knew. The others had told him the story… then this is what changed. It was hard to believe it wasn’t because of him...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t using the Force much at the time… I avoided it,” Kanan explained. “I wasn’t carrying my lightsaber around anymore… I left it on the Ghost, in a secret compartment in my bunk,” he was trying so hard to keep his voice even. “So... I wasn’t able to defend ourselves when we were surprised when we opened the cell. They were there.  Zeb was shot trying to cover me and… I used the Force to try to save him. I heard shooting beyond the hallway. Hera had also tried to-” he stopped, he couldn’t say it. They had killed her. He had tears running down his cheeks as he fought to find the strength to continue. “I froze… I got stunned…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When I woke up, they were already torturing me,” Kanan subconsciously winced at the memory and Ezra felt his heart breaking. “The Grand Inquisitor was there. He didn’t ask or said anything at first. He just… made me scream.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra wanted to tell him he didn’t have to say anything else. He was seeing how much this was affecting him. But Kanan needed to get this out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“After a few days he finally decided to tell me that Sabine had been caught too and Chopper had been destroyed....” his hands were slightly shaking.  “I almost fell there. I-... I couldn’t help hem. But I waited. I needed to get out. I needed to rescue Sabine. She needed me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan looked away in shame. “The Inquisitor knew who I was. Who had trained me. He used that knowledge to remind me how I had failed my master too. How weak I was. He pressed me to give in to despair. Time passed… I’m not sure how long. And then… he brought Kallus into my torture chamber… to give me news that… they had executed Sabine when she arrived on Mandalore for trial. Her clan rose but they were wiped out. I-…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He covered his face, gritting his teeth, crying silently. “I fell. I felt like I had nothing left. That I failed them. That I deserved this torture. They continued with that for a while…even if I had fallen already...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra looked at him also with his eyes filled with tears. “Kanan… I’m… I’m  sorry that happened to you...”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a deep breath and nodded. “It's different for every Inquisitor, I think. Most of them get some kind of torture. They need to experience… loss. Some give in to stop hurting. Others embrace the pain. Others don't believe they deserve to stop hurting... Some of them just want to be more powerful…” Kanan said, shaking his head, drying some of the tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra blinked confused. “Is that possible?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan scolded himself… he didn’t want Ezra to think the darkside would make him powerful… but he wanted to be as honest as possible. “The darkside fills you for a second… but it's brief. To maintain it… it becomes hell… a nightmare you can’t wake up. They break you to think there’s no way to wake up. It burns you and yet...it's so cold. It keeps dragging you down until-…” he trailed off and took a deep breath calming himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra nodded slowly in understanding. “You said </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> tried to save you from that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan looked at his side. Ezra had moved closer but… he didn’t dare to touch him. Looking at his eyes… he found a moment of serenity among the pain… a reminder that even then, he wasn’t alone. He smiled at Ezra. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I refused at first. I couldn’t trust him. In that mindset, I didn’t understand why anyone would try to help me. Why anyone would risk themselves for me…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And at that moment, Ezra’s expression became stern and looked away. Kanan raised an eyebrow noticing the change.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do I know I haven’t fallen already?” Ezra’s fists clenched with worry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan stared at him for a second in silence. “Does it feel like you made the worst mistake of your life and there’s no fixing it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Something like that...” Ezra whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was another pause. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to talk about it?” Kanan asked. He had the hunch what it was about… the reason Ezra had thought he would have to sleep with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” he said, tensing... there was a hint of panic in his voice. Kanan nodded and was about to offer they went back to their rooms, but Ezra continued. “Wait... Yes… I want to talk about it... But, I mean... what's to say?” He shrugged as if it was nothing important. It was nothing compared to what happened to Kanan. He had actually suffered physically from it and he-… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Kanan’s full attention turned to him, he wasn’t dismissing it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told you I-... I just needed the money. It was... after the fuel depot bombing in Lothal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gerrera's attack.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra’s expression turned somber. “Yes. There were so many dead and wounded. People that were working there because they had nothing else… all dead. The whole city went on lock down. All the stores closed. The streets were crawling with troopers. I couldn't get-... I couldn't get anything to eat,” Ezra explained how bleak the situation was back then. “I was getting desperate. At one point I actually stole something so they would lock me up and give me a ration, but they realized the reason and they sent me out back again. They would not reward me for bad behaviour they said... those bastards,” he growled with anger. He was starving! How could they-... he scoffed and shook his head. “There was an Ithorian who used to help me, Old Jho… but the anti-rebel sentiment turned so bad that he got outed as a Rebel sympathizer and executed. I… I had no one else left…” he said, his voice shaky. “I had to go to the other side of the city.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s eyes widened in understanding. He knew that was the unsavory part of the city. The red light district was there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I used to avoid it. When I was younger, I'll get the feeling I had to stay clear of it. I guess it was the Force. It was a dangerous place...  I shouldn't be there. But now... I was desperate…” Ezra lowered his voice as if fearing someone else could hear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I lied about my age and I guess they just went along with that. They told me if I understood what they did there... and that I could make a lot of money because I was…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Virgin,” Kanan whispered sadly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ezra said, still not looking at Kanan. “I wasn't afraid. It’s just a job. The guy in charge set me up with some guy he said was good to first timers. I just needed to…” he swallowed making a pause. “...follow the instructions.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan felt a wave of rage that anyone had taken advantage of his situation like that, but he took a deep breath. “Did he... hurt you?” He asked slowly, as gently as he could.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Ezra tried to smile at him unsuccessfully. “For what’s worth, they were right. I wasn't... I wasn't in pain. I didn't think much of it at first... I mean, I was just glad I was at least able to do it,” he shrugged… but then his expression was filled with shame and despair. His lower lip trembled almost as if he couldn’t believe he was finally saying it outloud. “But then... I kinda liked it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes filled with tears and he brought his hands up to his hair, holding his head. He had been so ashamed...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He praised me. I felt... happy? Proud? When we finished I felt good. I had done it... and he liked it. He liked me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He made me feel special. I thought… that maybe he-” he looked up at the stars looking for something, some lost dream among them but his face hardened with bitterness. “And then he left a bunch of credits on the bed as a tip, wished me luck, and left. He didn't even look back. I was just-” Ezra tried to stay angry. He preferred to be angry than sad, but he couldn’t hold back the overwhelming despair and he crumbled, letting out a sob. “I never felt so alone... Never felt so stupid because for a moment I thought he would-... take me with him? He would- hold me? Tell me he lov-?” Ezra held back saying the word and covered his face in shame. He had hated himself for it for so long. “So stupid!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. No. You are not. Ezra, look at me,” Kanan moved, crouching in front of him. “They shouldn’t have done that to you. You don’t have to feel ashamed because you thought someone could love you…” Kanan assured him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra looked up slowly at him in silence. He didn’t say anything, but Kanan could read the hope in his eyes. A single question he couldn’t get out his lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Can you love me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And at that moment Kanan knew, without a doubt, what the answer was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I already do.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They remained quiet for another moment, until Kanan stepped back a bit. They were… too overwhelmed by all this. Their emotions were too raw. Too vulnerable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra was confused at first and a bit disappointed but he didn’t say more, he simply gave him a sad smile and cleaned his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s why… I was considering joining as a Stormtrooper. I just didn’t… want to go back there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I understand…” Kanan said softly and felt Ezra had said all he wanted to say. He was downcast but… calmer. “We should try to rest a bit…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes... Do you want to go back to the ship…?” Ezra motioned tiredly towards the space docks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually… what if we try it here?” Kanan leaned back against the door of his room again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here? Outside on the roof?” Ezra raised an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can’t beat the view,” Kanan chuckled gesturing to the sky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra snorted and sat back against his own door too. “I mean, it’s not chilly… so we should be fine, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They gave each other a soft smile and looked up.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>They actually got some sleep sitting against the doors. Even if their backs were a little sore, it had been better than they had anticipated. Kanan still had some bad dreams but Ezra’s presence reached out immediately to him even before he realized he was doing it. He was there. He was here. They fell back to sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had managed to pull through.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It allowed Kanan to get enough rest to come back to focus and meditate properly on his own room that morning. He took the Holocron out of the bag and placed it in front of him. He wasn’t afraid of the answer anymore. He closed his eyes. Breathed slowly, deeply… letting the Force flow through him. He didn’t fight the memories… the pain… or the love. The holocron opened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled softly. There wasn’t any knowledge there that he could use for his life as of right now, but it was a beautiful reminder that… the light hadn’t abandoned him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did it work?” Ezra asked once he left the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It did,” Kanan smiled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad…” Ezra seemed to glow with relief. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were quiet on their way back to the Ghost. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Several days passed as they trained and went from planet to planet in Wild Space doing more small jobs. They had avoided talking about that night but they were not too concerned about it now. Ezra thought he would be more ashamed about confessing about what had happened to him but… it wasn’t anything like that. Kanan did not judge him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had hated himself for that for so long. He had thought he was weak and pathetic for having felt that way before. That there was something wrong with him… and everyone would abandon him just like that. But now, he felt like his soul was feeling sunlight after a long time in a dark cave. And that light was Kanan. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The way Kanan had looked at him… Ezra would smile to himself remembering that, feeling his chest glow. Ezra was almost sure there was… something there. That he wasn’t imagining things or projecting what he wanted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It felt real.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was still unsure of how to tell him, how to approach… What if Kanan didn’t want to make a move because he was like the Other Ezra? They kept giving each other small glances... smiles... </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the meantime while he figured what to do, they trained exhaustively in between jobs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a moment during a sparring session when Kanan used his body strength to push Ezra back. Most of the Inquisitors were larger than Ezra, so he needed to know how to defend himself against such attacks. But then Ezra found himself pressed against the wall. He gasped, his face flushed. Kanan froze for a second realizing the position they were, and then immediately stepped back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- Sorry, I wasn’t-” Kanan stuttered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah...Y-yes...” Ezra murmured looking away nervously. “Sparring done, I guess?” He asked, his face turning red.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep, sure,” Kanan nodded completely still and Ezra practically bolted away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra went to the fresher. He turned on the water shower… He wasn’t looking to cool himself down but to feel the water over his body and seek release. He had denied himself for so long and he wasn’t feeling guilty anymore. If Kanan had continued… </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For his part, Kanan had returned to his cabin, closed the door behind him and leaned against the wall. His heart was beating against his chest loudly. That had been close.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Things were awkward the next day as they went to deliver a couple of moisture vaporators to a small world. They were pushing the turbolifts in silence, looking for the direction of the warehouse where they were supposed to deliver them, when, just before turning around the corner, they heard the unmistakable sound of lightsabers igniting. They froze. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan immediately pushed Ezra behind him to avoid being seen from around the corner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kanan…?” Ezra whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan slowly peeked and saw them. The Fifth Brother and the Eighth Brother were interrogating the owner of the warehouse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where are they?” The Fifth Brother asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“W-who? I… I don’t know who you are talking about!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The Jedi,” the Eight Brother was getting frustrated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know no Jedi, I swear,” the man pleaded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Fifth brother pushed the man against some crates, out of the way and turned to the Eight. “Look inside…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan gritted his teeth. His hand fell over the lightsaber in his belt, but then he felt Ezra holding his arm in turn. Kanan frowned in confusion and looked back at him. What was wrong?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra’s face was full of terror. He was shaking in fear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, please…”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ezra whispered in dismay. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Kanan, I can’t-”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan looked back at the warehouse. The Fifth brother remained outside guarding the entrance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Kanan, I beg you. We have to leave. Please. I can’t fight. I can’t-”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I can’t lose you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s eyes widened. He realized then. If he went out to fight them, Ezra would be frozen in place with fear. He wouldn’t be able to help. Kanan had gotten better but fighting two Inquisitors alone at the same time was above skills. They would get killed or worse… captured. The best thing they could do right now was to leave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, keep your head down. Let’s move,” Kanan motioned him back. They would leave the vaporators here, out of sight… hopefully the man would find them later. They walked back at a brisk pace, trying not to bring attention to themselves, but Ezra’s expression was still full of fear. There were stormtroopers everywhere. It was as if they had arrived just after they landed. They reached The Escape and left immediately before anyone suspected them. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as they jumped to hyperspace they finally breathed but Ezra covered his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m such a coward!” Ezra apologized between tears. “I froze… I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t fight. I was so afraid. I’m sorry I wasted your time training me...” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ezra...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra turned around to face him. “We left them…! I left them! How can I help if I can’t even face them? I… I literally held you back! You were going to help and… I got in the way of your duty as a Jedi!” His arms dropped at his sides, he was still shaking but he felt mortified. “I’m not worthy of your protection…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are as worthy of protection as any of them,” Kanan moved to him, but Ezra stepped back still ashamed. Kanan stopped. He wasn’t angry or disappointed. “I’ll never force you to face something you are not ready for… but that is not up to me. Maybe one day we won’t get to choose if we take up that fight or not,” Kanan explained carefully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra gave him a weak smile. “You are stronger, braver than me…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You are more than you think you are.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra felt undeserving of his trust. Of… this feeling. He nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to my room,” he said and slowly returned to his cabin. Ezra wasn’t sure he could fight Inquisitors. Stormtroopers? Sure. Any day. But there was something about the Inquisitors… he had felt a coldness so familiar… they were soaked in darkside... thrived on it. They used their hate and their pain and wielded it like a medal. It terrified him. It terrified him because… it would be so easy. So easy to be consumed by his self-hate. To let go of any hope and light and let the darkness take him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he had gotten better or so he liked to think. Kanan’s light had lifted him up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan was right. Kanan would try to help people and keep themselves safe at the same time, but one day they might not be so lucky… it could be any day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he still hadn’t told Kanan how he felt about him yet. What if they got killed tomorrow and he never told him? But the idea of Kanan even politely rejecting him was… too much to bear. No one seemed to dare take the first step. That needed to change.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The following day they realized the Ghost and The Escape were running low on fuel. That was… problematic.They would need to land somewhere to refuel…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They arrived at one mountainous planet and waited to scan the local comms to try to make sure there was no Imperial presence before landing. It was late when they arrived. They asked around and realized there was a waiting line with several other ships… it would take several hours before they got service so they silently made their way around town.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan was getting worried. It seemed like more and more people were coming to Wild Space. Perhaps the situation in the Empire had turned so dire that people were leaving in droves?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra spotted a local bar where he could hear live music inside. His eyes widened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“H-hey, Kanan, why don’t we go and wait there?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, why not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan hesitated a bit. He hadn’t drank since he had been back in depression. He wasn’t exactly avoiding alcohol but… he saw Ezra’s expectant expression. “Ok.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They went inside and Ezra immediately looked around. He was trying to find something. Kanan assumed he was keeping an eye out for troopers but he was too focused. Ezra noticed something in the back, and motioned Kanan to an empty round booth a bit out of the main area. They passed the bar and a waitress told them she would be right with them in a sec. There were a couple of young women in the bar too, who turned to look at them as they walked by. They gave them a mischievous smile, inviting them over to accompanying them with a charming look. Ezra was surprised by this for a brief moment, as his face turned red but kept going. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan chuckled as he sat in the booth with him. “You should go if you want,” he said with a smirk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s ok…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It could be worth the shot,” Kanan pointed out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want them...” Ezra trailed off as his face turned serious. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I want you,</span>
  </em>
  <span> his eyes seemed to say. Kanan felt breathless for a second and didn’t notice when the waitress came to ask what they wanted to drink while handing them a small menu. Ezra grabbed it and read it over quick. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A bottle of this,” he pointed at one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan furrowed his brow. “Isn’t that a bit strong?” Even the waitress hesitated looking at Ezra.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One bottle coming right up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan could see Ezra was tense and was trying hard to look calm and relaxed but it was hard to hide. His hands were fidgeting. He was nervous. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they brought their bottle and their cups, Ezra finished his drink quickly almost in one go.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whoa, take it slow, Ezra,” Kanan blinked. “We still have time before our turn.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Ezra apologized sheepishly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He kept drinking a bit more but slowly. Kanan took a sip and made a face. Kriff, it was strong. What was going on with Ezra? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two cups in and they started to feel the effects already. Kanan had stopped then, not wanting to get his senses more muddled, but Ezra took a third. Kanan looked at him with worry. He had been quiet for most of the time… just appearing to hear the music, but… he could tell Ezra was trying to gather his courage for something. Kanan was about to say something, but then Ezra slowly moved on the booth, sliding, sitting right against Kanan's side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan stilled but he didn’t move away. Ezra was still looking ahead, at the musicians, but his face was flushed. He moved his right hand under the table, and placed it over Kanan’s knee…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan’s heart skipped a beat. He looked down at Ezra in disbelief. Ezra was now holding his gaze. Kanan gulped. No one would see from the position they were in. Ezra started to slowly move his hand further up, making Kanan hold his breath. He felt fire in his navel and heat covering his face. Ezra smiled and placed his hand over Kanan’s-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan held Ezra’s hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to do this,” Kanan assured him, swallowing hard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to…” Ezra whispered looking at his lips and raising a bit to reach them. “I really want to…” he closed his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he felt Kanan’s other hand on his chest, stopping him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Kanan’s voice was even, decided. Ezra opened his eyes in surprise and fear… had he misinterpreted Kanan’s feelings? Had he just messed things up beyond repair?? But Kanan moved his hand to Ezra’s cheek. “Not like this. Not a drunken kiss. You deserve better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra’s heart filled with relief and surprise. “You said… we are not owed anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t change the fact I want to give you the best of me...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra teared up and sniffled a bit, a smile decorating his face. Kanan leaned forward to kiss his forehead and passed an arm around him to pull him a bit closer as they sat together. They stayed like that for a long while until it was time to go back to refuel the ship. They walked there holding hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They finished what they came for and returned to the Ghost. When they were back outside his cabin Ezra realized he was still a bit dizzy. Maybe that drink was actually too strong. He gave a glance at Kanan’s cabin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure you don’t want to…?” Ezra asked again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kanan shook his head. “No… You should be awake for that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m awake…” Ezra countered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know that’s not what I mean...” Kanan smiled, shaking his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra nodded in understanding, but before going back to his room, he reached for Kanan and hugged him. Just… felt his warmth… Kanan held him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good night,” Ezra whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It will be…” Kanan smiled. “We will talk in the morning, ok?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ezra nodded silently again with a smile. He was so filled with happiness and peace… serenity. He felt so tired, but in a good way. He dreamed of warm arms holding him, his head resting on Kanan’s chest… and the promise of a new life bloomed with hope in his heart.</span>
</p><p><br/>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for reading!! Sorry for the wait. My IRL situation has changed a lot with everything that has happened to I couldn't focus. This was a very difficult chapter to write for me but I'm so happy how it turned out. Please, leave a comment and some kudos if you liked it. It would mean a lot to me. Thank you!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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